I Am the Genie of This Lamp, and Due to Inflation, I Can Now Only Offer You 2 Wishes and 1 Piece of Advice

Molly Kessler
Molly Kessler
July 5, 2022

Greetings and good wishes! It is I: the Genie of the Lamp. You have summoned me from the Genie Realm, and as a reward, I will grant you your heart’s desire. But — and this is important — due to inflation, I’m afraid I can now only offer you two wishes and one piece of advice.

You’re disappointed. I apologize for the inconvenience, but unfortunately, my hands are tied! (Literally. I am a prisoner.)

Wish costs have skyrocketed in the last few years, and Genie Bucks simply don’t go as far as they used to. You’d think there would’ve been a boost in Genie Wages to offset the inflated costs, but noooo! They still pay us nothing because we are captives tethered to a vintage lightbulb.

And don’t even get me started on cryptocurrency. You’re lucky I’m able to give you any wishes at all; crypto was HUGE in the Genie Realm. The promise of fast cash that comes from nowhere and makes no sense? That’s our whole deal! Turns out it’s unsustainable.

But enough about me! Let’s get to the wishing and the granting and the rules! You’ve probably heard these wishing rules before, but I’m obligated to mention them. (Literally obligated. This lamp is my jail.)

  1. No wishing for more wishes.
  2. No wishing for more genies.
  3. No wishing for the genie to bonk his head and forget which wish we’re on.
  4. No wishing to undo the genie’s bad investments. (Bit of a personal attack, but rules are rules.)

Now, there aren’t as many rules for the advice, since it’s new. Just remember: advice is NOT a wish, so you can’t get mad if it’s bad and mostly advice for genies.

For example, maybe you’re trying to get a promotion at work. Might I suggest using your genie powers and your smoke legs to hypnotize your superiors?

Maybe you want help getting a girl to notice you. Why not put your lamp-house in a thrift store and wait 800 years for a beautiful hipster to buy you for a nickel?

Just don’t ask me what to invest in. Most of my assets are tied up in GenghisCoin, and as previously stated, I’m not allowed to discuss it with you.

Unless you’re looking to get INTO GenghisCoin. In which case, do I have an opportunity with your name on it!

You’re not interested in GenghisCoin? You want world peace and a PlayStation 5? Typical…