I Am an Appraiser on ‘Antiques Roadshow,’ and Your Original Copy of the US Constitution Is Now Worth Nothing

Gabe Downey
Gabe Downey
December 2, 2021

Dear Mr. Portnoy,

I’m writing this letter to follow up on the appraisal I provided you on “Antiques Roadshow” when you brought us your original copy of the Constitution that had been passed down in your family. Despite the item’s many issues caused by your grandfather using it as a “hog blanket,” this unique treasure was a pleasure to appraise, even with the heavy prevalence of mud and pig feces.

What truly made your copy of the Constitution unique was the apparent signature of original author James Madison which, at the time, only added to the document’s immense value. However, now that Madison has been exposed to be a vicious slave owner whose contradictory actions and writings have laid a foundation for generations of hypocrisy, his signature adds little, if any, value to the piece.

You’ll recall that, despite the many Shroud of Turin-like stains from the overabundance of pigging your ancestors took part in, I had no problem, between patriotic sobs, valuing your copy of the Constitution at around $8.9 billion. That valuation made it the highest-priced item ever appraised on our show, significantly eclipsing the Elvis Presley TWA barf bag that The King used on his death toilet.

The good news is that, all these years later, there is still only one other copy of the Constitution known to exist, and thus far it has never come up for auction. However, there is a rumor that the Chinese government has a significant lien on it. The bad news is that the methodical demise of the U.S.— expedited by the January 6th coup attempt and full-on religious zealotry now packing the highest court in the land — means that the market for your item has softened slightly.

I now believe a more accurate valuation of your original copy of the Constitution of the United States would be somewhere around zero dollars in an auction setting, and possibly into the negatives for private sale. However, if we look at your item as strictly a pigging blanket, you should consider insuring it for at least $12.75.

I wish you the best of luck in whatever future endeavors you attempt in this crumbling republic. I will be moving to Denmark where everything is an antique and medicine is free.

Best Wishes,

Geraldine Flop

Flop’s Treasures & Treats — Adelaide, Wisconsin