Heist Ensemble Adds Covid Compliance Officer

Ian Zandi
Ian Zandi
May 23, 2021

While taking roll call for their ragtag team of scoundrels, a local jewelry heist team discovered that a new member was present among their ranks: a Covid Compliance Officer. This new addition resulted from a recent federal mandate indicating that “all minions, hooligans, and otherwise servants of the underworld should only operate under the jurisdiction of a present Covid-19 Compliance Officer.”

The heist team, referred to locally as the “Cash Club,” has retained the same membership for over five years, until now. Naturally, the gang was skeptical of this newcomer.

“The last time we added a member, it was The Pickpocket,” recalled a member who simply went by “The Mastermind.”

“We threw The Pickpocket a huge welcome party at Dave & Busters, but then he ended up stealing all of our tokens. I just don’t think we can endure that kind of pain again. Plus, the Covid-19 Compliance Officer probably won’t even let us have any parties at all,” The Mastermind added.

Indeed, the Covid-19 Compliance Officer not only prevented the team from having a party but also forced Cash Club members to “Quadruple Mask,” placing several layers of surgical masks under their typical garb of ski masks.

“Now, whenever I hold up the local bodega for a pack of cigarettes, they’re going to laugh at me. Not because of the medical safety, I totally get that, but because the COVID masks bring attention to my kind eyes instead of my scary teeth tattoos. Those are tattoos I have on my teeth,” added The Mastermind.

As a newcomer, The Covid-19 Compliance Officer assured us that he didn’t mean to intrude.

“I just want to make sure that everyone is nice and healthy for evil doomsday tasks,” established Larry Brown, who was not supposed to reveal his real name but did anyway (coming from a background of working as an EMT, he is still adjusting to the new criminal lifestyle). “Whether they’re stealing jewelry from a jewelry factory, siphoning milk from the milkiest cow on an Iowa farm, or borrowing the Declaration of Independence, it is my duty to ensure that Cash Club members wash their hands and mask up.”

As the Cash Club prepared to carry out its next plan to enter undetected into the Smithsonian, operations were delayed due to Larry Brown’s accidental sanitation of the blueprints with hand sanitizer, which washed away the team’s diagrams completely. The caper team then resorted to verbally laying out the plan but were soon met with communication errors due to shouting from 20 feet apart, as demanded by Larry for Covid-19 safety reasons.

At the time of publication, the Cash Club was still trying to nail down its game plan for invading the museum, pending all members’ negative COVID test results, as required by Larry for indoor gatherings.