Handyman Wanted: Apply House of Usher

Katie Burgess
Katie Burgess
October 31, 2020

Full Job Description

General handyman needed for fixer-upper home to siblings with normal relationship. Ideal candidate has varied skill set, asks no questions. Most work involves maintaining pestilent and mystic vapor, vacant, eye-like windows, and general atmosphere of sorrow. Property has small fissure down entire length of building, which may need attention (probably nothing).

Current employees work full days M-F and enjoy weekends and evenings listening as homeowner performs improvised dirges. Must have:

  • Own tools
  • 8 -15 years paid experience
  • Nonjudgmental attitude re: sickly relatives and when to bury them

Job Type: Full-time

Work Location: Mansion of gloom whose dreadful image is reflected like an evil twin in the surface of the lurid tarn

Pay: $16 per week or equivalent value in opium


  • Room and board; includes pervasive air of irredeemable gloom
  • Full medical/dental (must provide own leeches)


  • Carpentry
  • Landscaping
  • Mortuary science (preferred)

Job Requirements:

  • Can cultivate rank sedges, minute fungi, and ghastly tree stems (organic methods only)
  • Detail-oriented (Without succumbing to a sorrowful impression, an utter depression of the soul, a hideous dropping off of the veil, etc.)
  • Enjoys meeting new people of varying degrees of aliveness
  • Able to lift 90–100 lb. sisters
  • Has positive attitude; e.g. will assume any noises coming from family crypt are not caused by the dearly departed clawing their way out
  • Familiar with building codes and regulations, esp. regarding older structures whose crumbling masonry is psychically tied to family’s moral decay
  • Complies with all applicable regulations as per OSHA (Oppressive Soul-Haunting Angst)

If interested, please send resume and cover letter via raven or Ouija board.