Ian Zandi
Ian Zandi
December 8, 2020

After witnessing their worst-performing stock levels yet, Goodyear Tire & Rubber Company has announced that they will change their brand’s name to the ever-so-timely Badyear Tire. Ever since COVID-19 made its merciless debut in March, Goodyear Tire has seen its numbers drop into the “bad no-no red zone,” which means the CEO “can’t buy another wine country.” Re-branding the company was a last-ditch attempt before meeting their demise.

“We had some success with 20-something-year-olds driving back to their families in the Midwest,” explained Goodyear Sales Analyst Mark Broderick. “There were a couple smaller demographics we tried to lean into. We tried coaxing doomsday-preppers at Costco…making rainbow tires for the gays…talking to Pixar in case they make a Cars 4. It wasn’t enough though. Darn kids these days are patching their own tires thanks to WikiHow articles.”

Though Goodyear technically saw an uptick in sales over the Thanksgiving holiday week, it wasn’t necessarily a good thing. “People were driving all over the country, despite the stay-at-home orders. With that, they refreshed their tires with car maintenance after sitting idle for months,” said Broderick. “However, the investors did not like the rampant traveling behaviors. It shows that our brand is reckless. I had to distract one of the investors by yelling ‘WHAT’S THAT OVER THERE?!?’ over their shoulder while I fudged the graphs to make it look like we are not assisting the increasing pandemic cases.”

Mark was also the one to suggest the new moniker. “The solution was right in front of us the whole time. The market doesn’t need to change for us, we need to change for the market,” Mark suggested as he reclined in his garish “F*ck 2020” crewneck.

Though the name change is intended to be temporary, it could very well extend into several more years (some say decades) of misery.

“After all, with the world facing problems such as an ongoing pandemic, Imagine Dragons releasing chart-topping new singles, gentrification, Scientology abductions, and so many more worries that I cannot possibly begin to summarize here, how could we assume that 2021 would be a good year? Perhaps it’s just bad years from here on out.”

Mark sighed, uncorked another bottle of Merlot, and continued. “We plan to extend the Badyear trademark indefinitely, just in case. Some say we are being overzealous. I say it’s where the rubber meets the road.”