Geppetto Fires Chris Cuomo From His Position as a ‘Real Boy’

Elyza Halpern
Elyza Halpern
December 15, 2021

It’s been a rough week for Cuomosexuals and former sentient marionettes alike, as Italian woodworker Geppetto, of Pinnochio fame, followed in CNN’s footsteps and decided to fire Chris Cuomo from another one of his high-powered positions:

“In light of recent violations of journalistic ethics, I have decided to revoke Mr. Cuomo’s status as a Real Boy,” said Geppetto. “I am downgrading him back to his former position as a sentient marionette who lives in my workshop.”

Upon hearing of this second giant loss of status, Cuomo reportedly yelled, “That old jabroni’s workshop doesn’t even have a sauna! And it’s nowhere near an Equinox Gym! The hell am I supposed to do?!” He yelled this while allegedly Googling “best self-tanner for men who are made out of wood but are still sexy Italian stallions who could totally run for Congress.”

While it may seem like bad timing for a campaign, Cuomo’s new physical form could ingratiate him into some powerful circles with fellow enchanted toys. “This could be big for the puppet community,” said Biden’s new Head of Puppet Affairs, Kermit the Frog. “With enough puppets voting, Cuomo could win a seat, as long as he doesn’t get too on-his-high-horse about the fact that he’s made of wood and not felt, BECAUSE FELT IS JUST AS STRONG OF A MATERIAL AS WOOD, AND MARIONNETTES ARE JUST ELITIST!”

After taking a long hit of his CBD vape to calm down, Kermit continued, “Anyway, he’d have to run in Florida. There’s a lot of puppets there, with all the theme parks. Also, Fozzie’s there, and he’s got crazy mob connections.”

What comes next for the human-news-anchor-turned-puppet is hard to say, although it doesn’t look like we should write out the possibility of a robust political career. Plenty of politicians have made it far as puppets! Stay tuned for updates on Cuomo Prime Time with — oh wait, that show was canceled. Follow him on Twitter I guess? Or… Oh god… will Cuomo start a podcast now?