Don’t expect a festive little basket of candy-filled eggs on your doorstep this Easter, the Bunny’s gone remote.
In light of the recent spike in gas prices, the Easter Bunny has announced that she can’t afford to deliver baskets in person this year, and will be sending out virtual “e-eggs” instead.
“Few people know this, but despite being a 1,000-year-old enchanted rodent, I actually rely on my refurbished 2010 Toyota Camry to deliver baskets to hundreds of millions of households every year,” said the Bunny in a recent IG live stream broadcast from a cozy candlelit den inside of a tree stump. “This year, I simply can’t fit the bill for all the gasoline, so I have no choice but to send out virtual eggs.”
Many viewers on the live stream asked the Bunny if they could try to crowdfund her annual delivery, but she reminded them that she was banned from crowdfunding in 2015 when the IRS busted her “Egg-sential Oils” pyramid scheme.
“I know a lot of kids are disappointed but don’t worry, Easter will still be an egg-tastic, magical experience for all!” insisted the Bunny. She explained that the “e-eggs” will be sent via MailChimp, and when you double-click on the e-egg it will “crack open to reveal a fun virtual prize” in lieu of the traditional candy.
At first, many kids were actually excited about the virtual prizes, expecting a gift card for ice cream or some Roblox-related mishigas, but their excitement quickly dwindled when the Bunny revealed the list of potential prizes.
According to Easter Bunny-focused gossip site Deux Lapine, this year’s “e-egg” prizes will include a 10% coupon for Policy Genius, 5 free HelloFresh meals (just appetizers and charcuterie, entrees are still full-price), and a chance to enter to win an iPhone 13 if you fill out a 348 question survey about your user experience on Microsoft Teams.
The Bunny responded to the backlash with another IG Live, this time streaming from an upscale hotel in Ojai. “Listen, I can’t go back to white-collar prison,” she said while getting a hot stone massage, “and I still owe both the IRS and a couple of jabronis on Long Island a lot of cash, so I needed some sponsors, okay? Turns out companies will pay a lot when you’re a central figure in a major Christian holiday. If JC came back again, do you think he wouldn’t pose with an Athletic Greens bottle for some dinero? C’mon!”
Needless to say, the Bunny’s comments offended most major Christian religious authorities. The Bunny reportedly sent a lengthy apology email to The Pope, in which she also pitched him the idea of “incorporating Egg-ssential Oils’ products into the Church’s official Holy Oil recipe.”