Do You Contain Multitudes? You May Be Eligible For a Structured Settlement.

Evelyn Frick
Evelyn Frick
May 28, 2021

ATTENTION: Were you or a loved one exposed to the phrase “I contain multitudes” and now are an overly poetic and pretentious asshole? You may be entitled to receive financial compensation.

Those who spent their formative years on Tumblr.com between 2011 and 2015 have reported severe, long-term symptoms after the internet told them they contained multitudes. This includes:

  • Inflated ego
  • Using the word “aesthetic” as an adjective
  • Genuinely believing that the mystical contradictions of our cosmos reside in your frail body
  • Overusing the words “existential” and “philosophical”
  • Participating in train tracks photoshoots
  • Attending college to major in creative writing
  • Buying a record player from Urban Outfitters
  • Yearning to see Paris
  • Pondering aloud about the state of humanity with very little self-awareness
  • Becoming a cottagecore blogger
  • Saying you love Sylvia Plath without having read Sylvia Plath
  • Full body rash

Many patients estimate these symptoms cost them thousands of dollars in income, either because they were fired for being impossible to work with or because they’ve decided their only occupation is “flâneur.”

If you’ve experienced any of these symptoms after exposure to the phrase “I contain multitudes,” call Self-Important Personal Injury Lawyers* at (800) 123–4567 for a free consultation.** You could win a structured settlement of up to $60,000, or at least one sticky Teavana gift card. But you don’t necessarily have to file a lawsuit to qualify — you could just wax poetic about the complex nature of consciousness to a judge until they pay you to stop!

Don’t wait! Your cash award is waiting!

*This PSA comes from a non-attorney clown-person.

**Please also call Self-Important Personal Injury Lawyers if you or a loved one is experiencing personal injury from reading John Green.