“Whatever your problem is with our product, I can assure you that we do not care, and it will never change,” said Mr. Earl Lobe Jr., C.E.O. of All Earring Backs Everywhere LLC. Lobe took the podium at a televised press conference after his company faced countless complaints of shoddy workmanship, displaceable products, and overall poor “user experience.”
“We’ve heard your complaints about our earring backs rolling under your dressers, nightstands, radiators, blah blah blah,” Lobe Jr. said. “But guess what? That’s not my problem. I’m proud of our shitty earring backs. Do you know how many soap-opera housewives have caught their husbands cheating by finding a mysterious earring in their sheets?”
Earring backs have faced a litany of criticisms over the years, as noted by some of the more vocal attendees in the crowd. “Earring backs are the worst,” said Melissa Munro, who got her ears pierced years ago at a Claire’s, perched atop the chain jeweler’s sacred piercing throne like generations before her. Her mother, who accompanied her to the big occasion, assured her that a flesh-piercing needle gun was nothing out of the ordinary on the journey to adulthood.
“I know how shitty these backs are because I’ve been using them every day since sixth grade, and that’s a lot of years to analyze a product,” Munro said. “The main problem is that they fall off and get lost. So then you have to mix and match a sterling silver back with a cheap plastic one, and it’s like, what’s even the point? What am I supposed to do, wear those little stick-on earrings that kids play dress up with? At least those actually stay on your ears,” Munro said.
Lobe Jr. was not sympathetic to any of his product’s alleged faults. “I’ve had it up to HERE with your whining about earring backs falling off,” Lobe said. “Maybe it was a ‘family heirloom’ that you lost at a ‘karaoke bar,’ but I really don’t care. You buy things and then they fail you. That’s the American way. And if you have a problem with that, you can always use our competitor: the torn off eraser nub.”