Americans Relocate to Pokémon Universe In Search of Better Healthcare

Stav
Stav
July 14, 2021

Looking for decent affordable healthcare? Many Americans seeking a change of pace have moved to the Pokémon Universe because of the free healthcare they offer citizens.

“Pokémon don’t pay exorbitant deductibles for their health insurance plans and certainly don’t get kicked off their parent’s insurance when they turn 26,” says American healthcare expert Dr. Michael Sanders. “Americans are tired of risking thousands of dollars in medical debt every time they go in for stitches, and no one really wants to move to Canada, so people are transporting into the Kanto region and turning into a Pokémon instead.”

“No matter the health problem, a 15-second healing session at any local Pokémon Center cures you instantly. The experience costs literally nothing, and you can go in whenever you want,” Nurse Joy, who somehow works at all Pokémon Centers, emphasized. “Granted, that may be why Pokémon trainers feel comfortable making them fight to near-death every day, which is kind of an ethical Scorbunny-hole itself? I don’t know, I just do my job and don’t ask questions. This is off the record, right?”

“The rumors are true; I am now Pikachu,” confirms ex-pat Allison Martin, 27, who transformed into a Pikachu in the Pokémon world to avoid a health insurance-less existence in Minnesota.

“When I heard people were going to Argentina to get LASIK, I thought — this just might work for healthcare in the Pokémon world. Pika Pika! Sorry, weird tic I have now…” Martin went on to explain that sometimes going to the Pokémon Center is just for fun. She revealed that sometimes she just goes in for a “routine checkup, just for self-care.”

“I just don’t get how the U.S. is this behind on a basic human need like this,” Dr. Michael Sanders emphasized. “How are you one of the richest countries in the world, and yet you still make citizens file their own taxes and pay for health insurance. Actually, come to think of it — those two subjects go hand-in-hand — I always feel like I need medical attention after Tax Day!”

However, not all is well in the Pokémon universe when it comes to this transition for humans. “After all these years playing the games, watching the television show, and exploring the various Pokémon regions, I thought I’d fit right into the world — but I was shocked at how cliquey Pokémon are,” says American millennial Kyle Davies, 29.

“I’m definitely still having trouble learning their social norms, it’s hard to blend in and make friends — I might grab a bite with Mewtwo, later but he’s doing a whole keto thing right now so, we’ll see… At least I got my weird wrist cyst finally removed!”