Amelia Earhart Discovered At Bottom Of Local Woman’s Favorite Tote

Mary Colussi
Mary Colussi
October 5, 2020

When Darla Sutton cleaned out her New Yorker tote for the first time last week, she expected to reckon with her standards of personal hygiene, not to solve a decades-old disappearance.

“Once I dug through the layers of granola, tampon wrappers, and loyalty cards for coffee shops that don’t exist anymore, there she was: Amelia Earhart, the Babe of the Sky,” the Brooklyn native commented. “My roommates said the bag was a ‘cry for help,’ but apparently, they were hearing literal cries for help.”

The famed aviator has been missing since 1937 when she vanished while attempting to fly around the world. That she was found in a tote in Brooklyn confirms some scientists’ suspicions that the interiors of such bags don’t obey the laws of physics, resulting in repeated appearances and disappearances.

“There has been anecdotal evidence for years that what goes into a New Yorker tote bag — recently refilled MetroCards, recently purchased AirPods, et cetera — doesn’t come out again,” observed Doctor Jonathan Hall, Director of the Yale Institute of Sartorial Phenomena. “If a chapstick can disappear, why can’t an iconic woman of the 20th century reappear?”

Though Sutton doesn’t know much about what she referred to as “the space-time continuum of it all,” she is thriving with her newfound celebrity status.

“I’m hoping the media attention will help me to achieve my dream of creating content for box-based subscription services,” said Sutton. “I could even make an Earhart-themed box of my own. Imagine it: Once a month, subscribers receive a curated selection of…lady pilot stuff. The possibilities are limitless.”

For her part, Ms. Earhart is relieved to have escaped the tote, which she called “more harrowing than the crash itself.” Adjusting to life in 2020 has been a challenge, she told us via radio. However, she was excited to report that she had moved out of Sutton’s apartment.

“It was only a small step above the tote, and the tote was only a little better than a burning plane spiraling into the Pacific,” Earhart claimed. With such harrowing experiences behind her, she’s finally able to focus on her next step: an upcoming interview at JetBlue.