CHICAGO, IL — On Monday, once-feral child Melinda Watkins decided to reenter the wilderness and return to her birth name, “Oooompy.”
Oooompy’s list of societal grievances includes gardening for solely aesthetic purposes (“They said it was illegal to eat the tulips, so I said ‘Lock me up!’”), Kia Souls (“I truly can’t fathom why anyone would want to buy one. I’m ready to die on this hill.”), and recycling (“I’m just feeling jaded about the whole thing, does it even go anywhere??”).
Our reporters noted that the child’s breaking point seemed to be “literally just the actor John Cusak.”
“My new parents are obsessed with the guy. Something about him just rubs me the wrong way,” the child confirmed, adding that having lived the entirety of their life among a dozen, highly aggressive adult wolves, they’d “know a thing or two about alpha males.”
John Cusack’s publicist responded to our request for comment, stating that Mr. Cusack was “confused as to why a child would leave society solely because of him,” as he was “in Hot Tub Time Machine — which is a cinematic masterpiece.”
At press time, the child explained that they were well aware of Mr. Cusak’s catalog, but nothing could erase the “atrocity” of Must Love Dogs.
What’s next for Oooompy? “I’m really looking forward to eating a ton of berries and pooping in a hole with my wolf buds. Now that’s a real Must Love Dogs moment.”