A Merry Christmas from the Johnsons’ Apocalypse Bunker

John Sandbach
John Sandbach
January 21, 2022

Happy New Year to everyone who has otherwise blocked us on social media! 2021 was quite the year for the Johnson family (for having our Constitutional Rights being violated, that is). This year, we celebrated Christmas down in our fortified Boogaloo Bunker, waiting for the impending race war to kick off. That hasn’t happened yet, but we suspect it’ll go down sometime after the NFL playoffs are over.

This year Chase (12) and Mandy (8) are not attending school because of mask mandates (i.e. Nazi playbook child abuse). Chase has been enrolled in asymmetrical warfare camp in the Yukon, and we’re still waiting for his “Merry Christmas” GPS beacon to ping us letting us know he’s having fun. Little Mandy finally realized her friends’ parents are weak-minded, vaccinated sheeple, and she now understands why we left the community she was raised in. Phoebe (her iPad) is her BFF now, and they are planning on playing VR soccer together this spring.

Even though we left the AISD school district, Sarah has remained very involved in school matters. You can find a video of her passionate speech from a PTA meeting this fall on YouTube, where it has over 2 million views and counting. She also helped the online community by sharing Covid-19 tips on Facebook, like how to apply Ivermectin, and letting people know where they can buy a “real” vaccination card. Sarah helped encourage parental feedback by posting the phone numbers and addresses of PTA and school faculty members online. As if that wasn’t enough, she even coordinated with a local chapter of the Proud Boys to raise Super-PAC money through a bake sale.

Although Tom hasn’t returned to the office just yet, he insists he’s working harder than ever. When he’s not “owning the libs” online, he’s been doing little “honey-do” projects like building a sniper nest on our new roof. He also joined an oath-keeping club that does tournament bowling on Friday nights.

Unfortunately, we lost our dear Mimi in 2021, but we’d like to remind everyone that she died alone peacefully in the hospital from having a bad knee. Not from Covid-19, as the death certificate erroneously states. Also, since the Omicron breakthrough infections have proven us right about everything, as Christians, we’re willing to forgive our naïve liberal family members for getting vaccines. Simply post a public apology on any social media format (except Twitter, where we’ve been temporarily censored) and tag us.

Christmas is for celebrating the birth of Jesus, who died on the cross for sinners like the Tompkins family. Not about Santa Clause or drinking peppermint lattes from gay-themed holiday Starbucks cups. Therefore, in keeping with the spirit of Christmas, instead of gifts this year, we are asking that everyone kindly make a charitable donation to @Tom-Johnson on Venmo.

Merry Christmas and Fuck Biden,

The Johnsons