Tracking Status Updates for That Emotional Stability You Ordered

Laurie Bolewitz
Laurie Bolewitz
September 24, 2021

Thank you for ordering from The Emotional Stability Store! Track your package by following the status updates below. Please note our carrier has been experiencing unstable shipping times… but you get that, right?

TRACKING #: EMO$TA81L!TY

09/14/2021, 3 PM: You have decided to make a concentrated effort to gain emotional stability. Label has been created.

09/15/2021, 8 AM: Your boss calls and requests that you come into work, even though you already called out for a doctor’s appointment. Package has been re-routed to Philadelphia.

09/15/2021, 9 AM: Deep breaths. You remember the importance of setting boundaries and reaffirm that you called out for a completely legitimate reason. Your boss responds, “Oh, thanks for reminding me! My bad!” Package has left our facility in Philadelphia and is back on track.

09/18/2021, 11 AM: Due to an oversight with your insurance company, the doctor’s office is now claiming you owe them $5,000. You try to call your insurance but can get ahold of a human. No status update at this time. Please check back later. 

09/20/2021, 9 AM: Your mom calls to tell you how everyone you only vaguely remember from high school is doing. Richard Edmonton is married AND got a promotion! She wishes she had some good news to tell the book club ladies. Due to inclement weather, your package delivery has been delayed. We apologize for the inconvenience.

09/20/2021, 9:30 AM: You take some time for yourself and pour a cup of coffee before checking your work email. Package has arrived at our South Phoenix facility.

09/20/2021, 9:31 AM: You make the mistake of checking your ex’s Instagram. They’re dating someone new with similar eyebrows to you but slightly nicer. Due to SEVERE inclement weather (a fire in the north, a blizzard in the west, and a migration of birds in the south), your delivery has been delayed. Your package is bouncing around the country. We do not offer an apology at this time.

09/20/2021, 11 AM: You allow yourself to cry out the coffee. Package has left our Kansas City, Oklahoma facility and is en route for delivery by end of day.

09/20/2021, 5 PM: SORRY WE MISSED YOU! Signature required. Please pick up your emotional stability at our nearest facility (open for one hour daily), and bring seven forms of ID.