Whether you live by yourself or simply fantasize about it, create New Year’s magic completely alone in the privacy of your home with these great products. These state-of-the-art items will allow you to sidestep common NYE pitfalls such as itchy sparkly outfits, unattainable resolutions, counting backward in public, and the dreaded midnight kiss with someone nearby
Ionic Neck Brace: Are you tired of holding your head up? While that freeloading bone ball used to be the ambassador to your body, no one can see it anymore behind your mask. Your head does little to deserve its place atop your body, but it’s still there, like a has-been celebrity that thinks it can hawk premier vodka. We combined the soft comfort of a whiplash collar with the reassuring structure of a chastity belt. Emits a puff of ionized lemongrass tranquil mist every five minutes.
-“My head used to be so heavy I couldn’t even think! Now thanks to the Ionic Neck Brace, I enjoy 3–5 thoughts daily!” -Rico, Orlando, FL
Things with Lasers: Now that you’ve been in the house for nine months mind-melding with your indoor cat, everything is more fun with lasers — we’ve put them on everything from shower shoes to nose trimmers to baseball caps. No one knows if these next-generation lasers remove hair or grow hair, but they will provide countless fun hours of lying in your recliner, shining your flip flops toward the ceiling, your pupils dilated and ears atwitch like you can see the future. Who knew your quarantine mentor would be your very own cat!
-“Now that I have found these lasers, I’ll never go back to entertaining myself with balled up paper and grocery sacks!”-Martha, Baltimore, MD
“Human Touch” Whole Body Massage Chair: Relax with the ultra-sleek chair that seems at first like a warm oil massage from head to toe. But wait. This classic item is known best for a circulation-boosting surprise attack when it flips over to become an 8-foot assailant. With this chair’s retractable sandalwood nunchucks, you can be 100% certain that you have fully opened a can of whoop-ass and will soon remember what it means to feel alive. Available in Dark Espresso or Bone.
-“No need for a gym membership after fighting with my massage chair for the last three months!” –Dion, Cincinnati, OH
Personal Sauna: This gorgeous mylar bag zips over your entire chair with you in it. With just your head sticking out of a snug Turkish cotton hole, you will be able to stare into middle distance for hours. The personal sauna sustainably uses your own body gas to warm up in minutes for an unforgettable therapeutic experience. Includes optional toilet. Folds for easy storage.
-“This sauna literally saved my life! …It’s a complicated story…”-Francis, Bismark, ND