This Cult Will Give You Health Insurance

Marisa Winckowski
Marisa Winckowski
April 9, 2021

You’re feeling generally aimless these days, aren’t you? Disillusioned. You hate your job. The only thing keeping you from sending that resignation letter is the health insurance benefits. Wouldn’t it be nice to just leave it all behind? Why pay a monthly premium when you can live off the grid with a community of like-minded separatists who can take care of all your check-ups for you?

Join our family, known as “The Chosen.” We are a group of separatists living on a quaint little commune off the coast of [REDACTED]. We grow our own food and take care of each other in paradise. Medical, dental, and vision, all covered, no annual premium, so long as you pledge your devotion to our charismatic leader known only as “The Prince” and agree to never speak to your family again. We’re your family now.

Never worry again about a trip to the E.R. breaking the bank! You will be tended to by Toby, an ageless man in tattered overalls who will provide any treatment you may need, no copay necessary. He wields his Swiss Army knife in our on-site operating room, located in the dark recesses of our dungeon-like basement to protect patient privacy. He also pulls teeth.

Concerned about keeping your prescriptions? No need! Pharmaceuticals have become obsolete amongst The Chosen. Just drink from this bowl. It’s fine. No, don’t smell it, just drink it. It’s guaranteed to cure you of any headaches, cramps, fatigue, colorblindness, depression, hair loss, TMJ, impotence, carpal tunnel, asthma, IBS, and dyslexia, among others. You want to know what’s in it? Miracles. That’s what’s in it. No further questions.

All are welcome to join and put their name on our healthcare plan! Preference will be given to virgins, so please note that on your application if that’s the case.