I believe it was the pioneering colonial witch hunters who once said, “a global pandemic is a chance to reinvent yourself!” And boy, were they right about only that. So as we emerge from the latest pandy, here are a few vibrant personalities you can choose from to show the outside world what it’s been missing these past 15 months.
- Off-Duty Flight Attendant
You’re only in town for the night, and honey, you’ve got stories. “Ladies,” you tell your pals as you hit the town. “Is this a 10:40 red-eye to Hanoi? Because I’m about to commit a felony over unregulated waters!” You’re the type of friend that people describe as: “a blast, but promise me you’ll never fly Delta.”
- From Alaska
So your friends have “never actually met someone from Alaska?” Well, now they have! Give a condescending, cynical laugh when someone says, “It’s so cold!” or “I’m afraid of that bear!” “Hah!” you cackle. “You sound so contiguous right now…”
- Broken Amish
It might be summer, but your Hot Girl Rumspringa is just getting started. Benefits of this personality include free drinks (it’s your first one!), an excuse to avoid Pennsylvania, and a free pass to get excited about electricity again. And of course, your hometown’s Real Housewives catchphrase: “I’m not Amish anymore, but I’ll still drag a hoe through the mud!” You’re problematic af, but at least you can say you don’t know what that means yet.
You actually don’t even need a personality if you can just pretend to hear colors. “Can you tone it down, Jimmy? You’re being really Heather Gray right now.” Suddenly, you’re the most popular kid in school (yes, you’re in high school again, because that’s how powerful synesthesia can be). Pick your friends and set the rules; e.g., On Wednesdays, we speak pink.
- Iranian Hostage Crisis Survivor
This personality serves to discourage annoying pandemic nostalgia among your friends. “Remember when we wore two masks?” laughs Fred at brunch. “Remember when we washed our groceries?” says Claire. “Remember when Jimmy Carter threatened nuclear war to get the Ayatollah to give us outside time on Day 350?” you ask. “Oh, sorry, that was just me. So who’s watching Handmaid’s Tale?”