Making Unemployment Work For Me

Marissa Wolf
Marissa Wolf
June 18, 2020

Feel like you’re squandering away precious time? Here are some tips from a #GraTeFulSOuL who’s experienced in relishing every moment.

Each morning, I wake up to my alarm set for 8:57 AM. That’s 3 minutes before 9AM and I LOVE that.

First things first, I check Facebook and Instagram. I prefer to clutter my feed with over-achievers only. I like to be psychologically threatened by people who are creating art, composting, or teaching their French Bulldog how to make an award-winning vegan mini quiche.

Eventually, I enjoy coming to the conclusion that I hate myself and should just go back to sleep.

Note: I know this sounds unhealthy but TRUST ME it’s #CharacterBuilding. We’re all on a vision quest, so there is no “bad decision.”

I leave consciousness again until 1:15 PM.

Note: All of this works best if you don’t have children / anything that you’re responsible for. In other words, nothing you do affects anyone else. ☺

It’s 1:15pm, and the sun is shining into my cave-like room.

After my midday nap, I peel my crusted body from my sweat-marinated bedsheets and head to the shower. But not before, I indulge in 30 more minutes of Instagram scrolling and comparing myself to random strangers.

Shower time!! (optional)

Some say I cry too much, but I say you haven’t even seen me shower-cry yet! I like the shower because, after reviewing each room in my house, I’ve concluded that the shower is by far the BEST place to cry! (With my head in the refrigerator, in second place.)

In this safe space, I like to pretend that the water from the shower is extra tears, and I trick myself into believing that I’m finally playing Blanche DuBois for an audience of Dollar General shampoo bottles.

Eventually, my dehydration sinks in. “Get out of the shower, you delusional psycho!” I say to motivate myself onwards. It works. I get out.

After showertime, I get my steps in by taking a jaunt over to the couch!!!

I immediately enjoy 6 bowls of Cookie Crisp in quick succession. (My cereal bowl is conveniently already on my coffee table, left over from last night’s binge-eating sesh set to a background of Friends reruns). To spice things up on the couch, I like to rotate between 25 minutes of staring at my foot (soothing AF, trust me) and a healthy inner struggle about whether or not I should turn on CNN to see “what’s up.”

After that? More phone and Facebook.

Oh look! Dan wrote another full-length play about masturbation this week with a grant from Yale! Amazing! Sara, who got straight C’s in high school, now owns a 4-bedroom colonial home with solar energy panels and has transformed her backyard into an oasis!! Also, she meditates now. #GlowUp!!!!!!!

Once I’ve convinced myself that I will never create anything good or worthwhile in my lifetime (AKA it’s 4pm), it’s time to go to the store.

Shopping spree, vroom vroom!!!

Responsibly, I mask up and head out. (If you’re a Jersey girl like me, you know what’s next.) I hop in my charming trash-filled Honda Accord, yell at myself for contributing to pollution, and hit the streets!

I treasure the odor of that pre-pandemic banana peel still sitting on my passenger seat. I inhale its rotting aroma and relish the memory of a past life, when people gathered in large groups and ate bananas freely.

Note: DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES REMOVE ANY OLD FOOD OR TRASH FROM YOUR VEHICLE. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT.

At the supermarket, I make sure to purchase a box of Chardonnay and chips.

I like to keep 8 or 12 bags of chips in my home. (Sometimes, I stock up on Amazon Prime, but today is leg day so I’m getting those steps in!)

When I get back home, I like to throw my back out while attempting to get my newly purchased boxed wine into the fridge.

This sounds BAD but it’s GOOD for your body to experience a little pain. It’s important to be uncomfortable during quarantine because it gives you something to contribute when other adults talk about their ruined body parts. AND, now I have a box of wine. This is a #WinWin

COUCH TIME AGAIN.

#SlayGirlSlay. This is the time of day where I exercise good citizenship by checking the COVID-19 case numbers for my state and county and post them to my Instagram story. I like to subject myself to reading all of the comments under the Governor’s press conference. I won’t elaborate here. You can experience all of that fun for yourself.

The rest of the day is a breeze.

I continue with my mindless scrolling while blaring the news until sundown. Then, I like to set the mood by plugging in some tangled Big Lots string lights. I pair a viewing of Juan Pablo’s season of The Bachelor (the best season in my philosophical opinion)with a goblet of that boxed Chardonnay and a sleeve of frozen Thin Mints from last spring’s cookie sale outside of the last remaining Jersey Kmart. I rotate through various social media apps as needed, throwing out a like or comment here and there to remind the general public that I am indeed still alive and up to date.

Now it’s 3:30 AM. We did it! As I lie awake in my full-sized bed with no one to share it with but a different sleeve of Thin Mints, I make a promise to be even MORE productive tomorrow. I gently remind myself that it won’t always be like this.

I remind myself of my bedtime mantra: You are doing your best, Marissa. I love you, Marissa. Good night, Marissa.

Note: Get up to pee 14 times in the middle of the night.