How To: Small Talk With Neighbors Who Definitely Heard You Getting Railed Last Night

June 10, 2021

You had loud sex last night (congrats, babe!!!); but now you must face reality – everyone in your building heard. Yes, even the cute guy on the second floor you have a crush on. Yes, even the cute old lady who bakes you cookies sometimes and likes to pretend you’re the grandchild she never had herself. Even your roommate’s cat heard (it wants an apology in the form of a Fancy Feast, by the way).

You may be wondering how to proceed now that everyone in your immediate area knows you participate in and enjoy a very natural, human activity. Don’t worry; here are some pointers on how to seem chill the next time you talk with your neighbors after another all-night rendezvous!

  1. Just Avoid: Small-talk awkwardness is best avoided by just never speaking to anyone in the building ever again. Try to do this at absolutely all costs. Remember, they know you had sex.
  2. Cry Profusely: Just #1 but with teeth and tears – people will stay away from you if they hear you whimper (also worth doing if you haven’t paid rent yet and the landlord runs into you, or if you’re just plain sad).
  3. Make an Excuse: Sure, the noise last night was coming from your room, but you weren’t having loud sex! You were…watching a very long indie film?? Yeah!
  4. Make Amends: Ask if they would like to be invited next time. You’ll bring snacks! Pizza party? Sushi might be too on the nose…Or give them quarters for the communal washing machine! (On second thought, no, that’s too nice, you need those.) Literally, just give them something nice so we can all pretend nothing happened. LEST WE FORGET – they definitely know what you sound like while taking on some (girthy) dick.
  5. Double Down: Have loud sex again to assert your dominance. Make sure they know you have good sex frequently! (Con: requires consistent sexual partner, ugh.)
  6. Leave Forever: Welp, time to move out! Make sure to repeat every time you have sex, just to keep the reputation is clean. (Pro: You’ll get really strong from moving all those boxes so regularly!)
  7. Grow Up: Ignore this list; get a grip, say hello, and ask them how they are doing like a normal…person…would? Besides, remember how bad Wednesday Wing Night was on your stomach? At least they can’t hear you on the toilet! …Or can they?