Local woman Stacey D., 31, is having a lucrative problem: after failing to treat her yeast infection for two years, she now pees beer.
“So, it’s definitely alcoholic — I have conducted a private tasting occasionally for quality control. It seems that the kind of beer I brew depends on my liquid intake,” says Stacey, who explains that while the default pee is much like Coors Light, she can make it taste like Stella Artois if she “really commits.”
Rather than finally visiting her gynecologist, Stacey plans to make “lemonade” from her — erm…yeast, and sell the product publicly.
“In a few more months, the fermenting of my yeast infection will be at a stage where more curated brews are possible. This could be a serious moneymaker if I play my cards correctly.”
If selling the beer on a smaller test market (the Fairfield County Fair) is successful, Stacey hopes to transition into her own microbrewery. She plans to call her next brew an “IPeeA.” Stacey’s working slogan for the business is, “Not eating pussy? Drink some instead!”
Word has gotten out, and many people, especially middle-aged men and underaged college students, are already looking forward to the “fruits” of Stacey’s alcoholic bodily fluids’ labor.
“Beeeeeeer,” says 19-year-old Joey.
“I love supporting small businesses,” says Powell, Ohio resident Andrew, 35, a beer enthusiast who has not had sex in three years. “After all, this is a niche beer! Move over Heady Topper; there’s a ‘Pussy Topper’ in town!”
“If Jesus could turn water into wine, why not let this woman turn pee into beer?” says Pastor and local pervert Rick Norries, 53, who seems to think Stacey’s beer has Biblical implications. “This beer would probably be an ok replacement for Communion wine anyway. It goes pretty well with the crackers we serve.”
Not everyone is pleased, however. “I want to be upset with Stacey’s abhorrent lack of initiative when it comes to her physical health. I mean, this is just going to destroy all her underwear,” laments Stacey’s gynecologist. “But if it pays the bills, I mean… I would try the beer.”