Don’t Judge Me Because I Take My Kids To Raves

Jeremy Blutstein
Jeremy Blutstein
July 28, 2020

Summer is here, and if you’re like me, you’re getting pretty nervous about how to fill the hours with your kids now that school’s out. Don’t get me wrong, I love my 3 kids, but good god can they get on my nerves! They’re really dumb, and all they care about is cartoons and candy.

So I’ve come up with a brilliant way to let them get their energy out and let me have some peace and quiet: I let them wear themselves out at a rave. There are lots of things for little children to like at a rave. Let me give you some reasons why it’s a good idea for you to take your kids to a rave.

1. KIDS ARE ALL ABOUT LOUD STUFF:

They also love being loud. All 3 of my kids will just run around the house screaming for no apparent reason at all hours of the day and night. So if the kids are going to be loud and obnoxious, they might as well do it in a loud and obnoxious environment!

2. KIDS LOVE BRIGHT LIGHTS, BRIGHT COLORS, AND SHINY THINGS:

Raves are full of these things! I’m not sure why (maybe it distracts from the awful music?), but I think the bright lights and colors must remind my kids of the cartoons they love. They sit in front of the TV for hours on end watching pastel drawings yell at each other. I’ll never understand the appeal—sorry I’m not a dumb kid!

3. KIDS LIVE FOR DRESSING UP IN COSTUMES:

Dressing up in costumes seems like a big deal at raves! My daughter is always looking for an excuse to dress up as one of the characters from Frozen. I forget which one… I think it’s the non-Kristen Bell princess? My oldest son seems to like dressing up as Batman, and they both fit in perfectly among people dressed as bananas, penguins, stormtroopers, or dancers wearing next-to-nothing.

4. KIDS ARE BETTER ON DRUGS:

Most of you may think kids on drugs are a bad thing, but if you’re pumping your kids full of Ritalin or Adderall, then you know what I’m talking about! Sorry not sorry, sometimes mind-altering substances just make kids easier to deal with. I can’t be certain what my kids take at these raves, but part of being a parent is letting your kids experience things on their own! My oldest son was saying something about seeing floating colors on a drive home one time, and my daughter mentioned she drank some water that made her want to dance, but do those seem like such bad things? I have to say no!

So there you have it. You may find my techniques controversial, or maybe even negligent. But I’m gonna tell you right now that when your kids are sleeping soundly and you have a quiet house, you’ll know that I’m right.