7 Habits Of Highly Effective Nuns

Molly Kessler
Molly Kessler
August 2, 2021

What is the secret to a nun’s unparalleled effectiveness? Is it divine intervention? Practiced discipline? Herbalife? Believe it or not, it’s her outfit. Need proof? Below is a list of 7 noteworthy habits belonging to history’s most effective nuns:

1. The Fleece-Lined Habit

In the year 514 B.C., Sister Adwenna became the first nun to achieve maximum effectiveness. Her fleece-lined habit was so comfy-cozy, she could kneel in the sanctuary for hours without the classic “crampy knees,” sometimes outlasting her fellow nuns by days. Her record stands at 7,512 Hail Marys and 8,800 Our Fathers before drifting off to sleep in the pillow-y softness.

2. The Flame-Throwing Habit

In 750 B.C., Sister Mildreth used her flame-throwing habit to reduce her convent’s candle-lighting time from hours to mere seconds. With a swish of her sleeve and a backpack full of kerosene, she’d set fire to St. Mary’s before you could say “Christe eleison.” And, unfortunately, that’s exactly what happened, thus bringing an abrupt end to Sister Mildreth.

3. The Crimson Habit

It took a while for society to recover from the devastation wrought by Sister Mildreth. But in 1198, a brave Sister Mary Vitalis donned an elegant red habit, eliciting oohs and aahs from her fellow abbesses. It even had pockets! Alas, she was at her most effective in 1199 when a herd of bulls broke into the abbey.

4. The Inflatable Habit

Ballooning to the size of a small elephant, Sister Margaret of Guernsey was the first practicing nun to carry a family across the English Channel.

5. The Habit of Invisibility

In 1682, Sister Mary Dorian was history’s most effective headmistress thanks to her green habit covered in sticks and leaves. Strategically placing herself near ivy-covered walls, she taught generations of schoolchildren that God is always watching, and so is Sister Mary Dorian. She was at her most effective in 1697 when the colorblind bulls invaded.

6. The Sentient Habit

Sister Margaretta’s habit was “an effectiveness goldmine.” Whenever the nun grew weary from healing the sick, her habit was ready — poised with a deep sigh or a passive-aggressive “if you think you’ve done enough…” Consequently, Sister Margaretta never stopped healing the sick, even when they insisted they felt better.

7. The Subway Habit

Finally, in 1942, the first Subway franchise opened right inside Sister Mary Edith’s habit. Though not her first choice, it was convenient when she was proselytizing at an airport or shopping mall. Coincidentally, the Subway habit was also very effective at staving off the bulls.