4 Tips To Avoid Your Passion and Vigorously Clean Things Instead

Sarah Lehman
Sarah Lehman
January 27, 2022

It’s 7:00 pm on a Tuesday. You’re dissociating on the couch after a long day at the job you hate. It’s a good time to work on your passion project, the side hustle you wish was your 9 to 5. But when was the last time you vacuumed under your bookshelf, you dirty freak? Here are four tips to spend your precious free time cleaning instead of making your dreams come true.

1. Hide the resources

Think you’re the next Margaret Atwood? Put your writing tools in a backpack in your closet. Painting a Louvre-worthy masterpiece? Store your brushes in the trunk of a car — extra points if it isn’t yours. This will make it easier to focus on the important things, like disinfecting the tub you’ve never used. (Careful not to injure yourself while scrubbing. Your company’s insurance plan covers virtually nothing.)

2. Flip through an HGTV magazine

You’ve been living like a slob while Marta (a designer) and Thomas (an entrepreneur) have been renovating a seaside bungalow. Do you think Marta’s little spoons are mixed in with her big spoons, you lazy ass? Throw your utensils in the dishwasher and re-organize your silverware drawer. Clean the dishwasher using a vinegar solution to remove any grime. Good work! Even without PTO, you’re keeping up with Marta.

3. Think of your critics

What’s the point? Putting yourself out there could lead to failure. Do something with guaranteed results, like sanitizing your cat’s food dish. Scoop the litter for the second time today, making sure to mop afterward. Don’t let your cat down. Let yourself down during your sacred time away from work, where the HR department is as non-existent as your desk chair’s lumbar support.

4. Practice gratitude for your shitty job

Sure, you haven’t had a raise in five years, but your job does pay your bills! You’ll learn to live with the smell of Mark’s salmon lunches at some point. And now that you’ve given up, pull your oven out from its position and clean the wall behind it. Take a bleach-soaked Q-tip to the knobs and run the “self-cleaning” process even though it’s a fire hazard. (Bonus: It’s hard to reach for the stars when the house is burning down!)

Dreams are overrated. Why manifest when you can clean the inside of a vase? It’s just dust, but come on, the vase — it’s calling to you!