15 Ways To Achieve That Pandemic Glow

Liz Alterman
Liz Alterman
May 25, 2020

1. Rid your body of toxins while screaming, “You’re muted!” You’re muted! “You’re still muted!” at elderly relatives attempting to Zoom.

2. Experiment with laxatives. You’re no longer leaving the house, and you have to counteract all that banana bread somehow!

3. Incorporate sourdough starter into your lovemaking.

4. Shower more. You’ve run out of toilet paper, plus, it’s the only place where you’re not continuously eating.

5. Cry at least twice a day and watch as the salt in your tears eats away at those fine lines.

6. Meditate while waiting at your door for the Amazon Prime delivery you ordered seconds ago.

7. Bury your face in your pet hourly and allow her coat’s natural oils to bathe your skin in dewy goodness.

8. Take selfies only in the ambient backlight of your laptop where you sit all day refreshing your InstaCart.

9. Proclaim your resplendent eyebrows an homage to Frida Kahlo.

10. Age backwards as you envision every event involving extended family canceled this summer.

11. Embrace the rosy blush that adorns your cheeks as you run from the room each time a press conference begins.

12. Feel your pores tighten and shrink as you repeatedly bleach every surface in your home.

13. Exfoliate using your cheese grater. Be honest: you can’t afford cheese. You lost your job. And have you seen your 401k?

14. Adjust your mask to cover your entire face.

15. Sleep round the clock.